Two Words: Spock and Tumultuous
by JohnnynotSid
Summary: There are things that mix but don't necessarily mix well. Perhaps this was the case with my marriage. It probably didn't help that I only married him to pay for my brother's crimes.
1. Dinner On The Enterprise and How I Got

A/N: This is my first Star Trek: TOS fic, but even so, I won't ask you to "go easy on me." And yes, my OC is almost a total Sue for the first chapter (Please note that she is prejudiced, so she at least shows that flaw). I know these stories are a dime a dozen, but since it actually conforms to the canon, I don't feel too bad about it. I promise not to make this one too run of the mill. All I ask is that you give this story a good chance, be honest with me and tell me where I've fucked up (You'll have plenty to work with). Except when it comes to spelling and grammar, don't be anal, that's just fucking annoy (Though even the least-anal person on Earth would still have a lot to work with). But be totally anal about Star Trek factoids (Only don't point out that I'm wrong about when the Betazoids joined the Federation that I don't want to know because it's too important to the story). Go nuts with everything else. Okay, rambled long enough.

Chapter One: Dinner On The Enterprise and How I Got There

There were two choices: my life or my brother's.

I loved Cassius. I always loved Cassius. That's why he broke my heart so many times. Brothers are not supposed to break your heart. That's what College Bad Boys are for. Brothers are supposed to be the ones who defend your honor and give you hugs to make you forget about the jerk who broke your heart. But I couldn't help it. No matter what he did to me, I never wanted to see him in pain.

He had gotten into trouble again, but this wasn't the usual kind of trouble. This was the diplomatic-incident type of trouble. Cassius had stolen a large store of Dilithium crystals from a Vulcan Embassy ship, causing the ship to almost have a complete system failure. People died. Worse, he did the job while on a Betazoid ship, so we were all held responsible. Though not aggressive by nature, the Vulcans insisted on the most logical solution to the problem: they wanted my brother to be held in one of their prisons for the rest of his life.

My brother might have the nerve to steal from a Vulcan Ambassador, but he didn't have the strength to deal with the consequences. Neither were our Ambassadors willing to consent. Everyone said it looked like it could lead to armed conflict. I couldn't let that happen. And as much as I knew that Cassius was a cowardly, pathetic, selfish, greedy, thoughtless jerk, I couldn't stand to see him ruin the lives of two races. So I went to the negotiations and offered to go to prison instead.

The Ambassador Sarek said that they could not ethically haul me off to prison, as I had done nothing wrong. But he was willing to make a deal.

"You are very brave, Lady--?"

"Amelia Cripsin, daughter of the third house, holder of the Fire Stone of Betazed, heir to the Sacred Chain."

"Lady Crispin, I will not imprison you or take your life, that would be barbaric and illogical. But I do see a way you yourself could help heal some of the injury your family has done mine. You have Vulcan relations, I checked your records, and one of those relations is T'Pring, a former kinswoman of mine. T'Pring was supposed to marry my son, Spock, but instead turned him away during the Pon-Far and used a ruse to make him think he murdered his best friend so she could marry her lover."

I usually abstain from reading the minds of other species, and I didn't have to in order to figure out where this was going. "You want me to marry your son."

"Did you read my mind, Lady Crispin?"

"I didn't have to, I have one as well you see, and as someone with a brain, I could clearly see where this was going."

"How old are you?"

"I am eighteen Federation years old, Ambassador."

"Both of our races conduct arranged marriages, though you are a bit young for either planet's customs. Still, if you will consent to marrying my son, I will spare your brother."

I looked at Salus, our planet's Ambassador. I could hear his thoughts.

_It may be the only way._

_Yes,_ I thought back at him. _I understand._

I looked at the Vulcan and took a deep breath. "I will marry your son if you spare my brother."

~------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

The alternative was being married to Octavian, a son of the fifth house with the brain of an Allerian Swamp-rat. I knew nothing about this "Spock" except that he was in Starfleet. I didn't even know how old he was.

It didn't matter though, I still felt like a whore for some reason, though the circumstances were as noble as they could be. But I had made my decision and that was final.

Surprisingly, my brother tried to talk me out of it, the one selfless act I had ever seen him commit. But I knew it didn't matter, he'd die in one of those prisons before long.

"Just promise me that you'll start living a good life. Don't make me regret this." I told him tearfully as I packed up my things. I was to meet Spock and Sarek at the Vulcan Embassy once Spock's ship, The Enterprise, landed down on Betazed.

"But Vulcans are awful, Amelia, you know that!" Cassius protested. "They're so cold and repressed and unexpressive. How will you be able to survive being married to one?"

"How would you be able to survive being imprisoned by many?" I replied. "And considering the character of Vulcans, he probably won't be too possessive. I'll still be allowed to continue my studies through away courses, they let me have that. And I'll be able to visit. It's not as bad as what they were planning on doing to you."

"I still don't like it."

I was suddenly seized by such an intense rage that before I knew it, I was throwing heavy objects in his direction. "YOU DON'T LIKE IT? YOU DON'T LIKE IT? PARDON ME, I'M JUST SAVING YOUR LIFE HERE, YOU SELFISH IMBECILE! YOU THINK I WANT TO DO THIS? YOU THINK I WANT TO GO AND MARRY SOME MAN I'VE NEVER MET BECAUSE YOU'RE A LITTLE THIEF? DO YOU THINK I WANT TO PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES? I'M SAVING YOUR LIFE AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS HOW YOU DON'T LIKE IT. WELL, SORRY IF IT HURTS YOUR FEELINGS, ME SACRIFICING EVERYTHING I KNOW SO THAT YOU CAN GO ON LIVING WHATEVER LIFE YOU WANT!"

"Amelia, please, I—"

But I had no more patience. I was thinking about the time he skipped school and I did all the homework he missed. The time he got arrested and I spent the money I was saving up to buy a new info pad filing papers for our father 24/7 to bail him out. I thought about the time I cleaned up his room when he had the Gornushian flu and ended up getting a mutated version of it from him. I thought about every time I had stood up for him, gotten in trouble for him, worked for him, loved him and saved his ass so he wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of his own stupid actions. I thought about all of that and said, "Get out."

He backed out of the room slowly and I glared at him all the way. Once he was out of sight I realized I'd have to repack the things I'd thrown at him and groaned.

~---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

I was still fuming when I went to the Embassy, flanked by my mother and father, my brother mercifully absent. We walked into the great hall where Sarek awaited us with his wife and three Star Fleet Officers, one of whom was gorgeous, and definitely not Vulcan. Damn.

I spotted the Vulcan almost immediately after I spotted Mr. Gorgeous. He looked like… Well, like a Vulcan. Pointy-eared, upswept eyebrows, dark hair. He looked like a younger version of Sarek. Not that he was young. In fact, he looked about thirty-six Federation-years old. Twice my age. I knew my face crumbled when I saw him, I didn't need a mirror or the look on his face to tell me. I am Betazoid, Betazoids never hide what they're feeling and I had no experience doing so. I wasn't good at keeping a straight face.

He wasn't bad looking, but he looked like my worst nightmare. Composed, older face, exactly like one of my school masters. He had barely any expression outside of a raised eyebrow, or was that just how his eyebrows were? My worst fears were confirmed, I was marrying a frigid old robotic alien.

There were a few pleasantries exchanged, but all I could hear was dread until Sarek had his son step forward and said, "Lady Amelia Crispin, may I present my son, Commander Spock of the USS Enterprise. Spock, this is your bride, Amelia Crispin, daughter of the third house, holder of the Fire Stone of Betazed and heir to the Sacred Chain."

Spock gave a Vulcan salute and I instantly wanted to kill myself.

"It is an honor," he said in a slightly deep voice.

"An honor." I repeated, bowing my head slightly.

"This is my Commanding Officer, Captain James T. Kirk, and the Chief Medical Officer aboard The Enterprise, Dr. Leonard McCoy." Hunky was the captain (go figure) and the brown haired guy with the twinkling blue eyes was the Doctor. I smiled at both of them and shook their hands, a human gesture of welcome.

~-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

I was escorted to my quarters aboard the ship by an elegant human Lieutenant named Uhura. We were silent for the first minute or so, until I was tired of hearing her wonder inside her head if I could read minds like the Captain said.

"The answer is yes," I said, as kindly as I could, "I can read minds, but I'll try to stay out of yours. I'm not really used to it, you see, trying to keep out of people's heads. We all read each other's minds on my planet. We're a very open people."

"Is it true that the bride and groom are naked at your weddings?"

I laughed. "Not just the bride and groom, but all the guests as well. But I will be clothed at my wedding. We agreed on a mixed ceremony, and nudity was thrown out. I don't want to have to be naked with Commander Spock any sooner than I have to."

She gaped at me and I winked. "We're _very _honest and open."

She cleared her throat and said in a very let's-change-the-subject sort of way, "How strange that you're marrying a Vulcan then."

"It's almost funny, isn't it? Vulcans spend their entire lives repressing their emotions, and we spend all our lives exchanging them. I don't much care for the Vulcan way of life, to tell you the truth, though I suppose Commander Spock probably disapproves of the Betazoid way as well, though it's not like we can really help it."

"I guess not. Are you going to try and follow the Vulcan way though, like Spock's mother did? Not that' it's any of my business."

"No, that's quite all right. I'm accustomed to everyone around me knowing exactly what's in my head at all times, I don't care. And the answer is no, I'm not going become a follower of the Vulcan way. It would probably be impossible for me, and as far as I'm concerned, I'm marrying the man, not the lifestyle. I'm not going to give up who I am, not even for my brother."

"So it's true! You did agree to marry Spock to save your brother. I thought that was only a rumor. Can I just say, that's such a brave and selfless act."

"Thank you. Trust me, I know."

She stopped in front of one of the doors lining the hallway and it opened. "Here are your quarters."

We enter a rather smallish apartment space with a bed, a desk, computer, a small dresser and a washroom off to the side. The walls were grey and the whole room seemed very dull. I gave a weak smile. "Oh, you've already got my bags up here, this is very very nice."

"I don't need to be a mind reader to guess how you really feel. Don't worry, after the wedding you and Commander Spock will be moving into larger quarters. This is only temporary."

"Well, thank you Lieutenant. Thank very much for lending a kind ear to me. I won't take up any more of your time, though. I imagine you must have a lot of work as Communications Officer."

"You're very welcome. Oh! And before I forget, at nineteen hundred hours Mr. Spock will arrive here to take you to dinner."

"Will it be private or with the crew?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't ask. Don't worry about it, I'm sure Mr. Spock will be happy to do it however you wish."

"Well, thank you, Lieutenant. I will be ready for him." I didn't know if that was exactly true.

~-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

I cried into my pillow for a good half hour, but then I stopped and shook myself. _Amelia, suck it up. You're responsible for this. You put yourself in this position. No one else did. You're not going to make anything better by crying about it. You made your decision, time to suck it up, be strong, and live with it or you'll be much more miserable for the rest of your life._ _Come on, you're better than this! You're a daughter of this third house, holder the Fire Stone of Betazed and heir to sacred chain! Hold your head high!_

I wiped my tears and decided I would let my pent up emotion out later in the gym or at target practice. At least then I'd be doing something constructive with it.

I decided to fix myself up for dinner. I wasn't really sure what I should wear, but I decided to be a true Betazoid and dress up. I decided to wear the sacred fire stone on its gold chain and my flowing Zintaxian pearl-lined green dress to make the color of the Fire Stone stand out. I wasn't usually very invested in what I wore, I still let my mother pick out my clothes for me sometimes, but tonight I cared. I wanted Spock to know he wasn't dealing with some pathetic little girl and that I wasn't going to let myself go or try to spite him by making him look bad due to unjustified resentment. He was dealing with a daughter of Betazed nobility, and I was going to keep my heritage.

Spock arrived at nineteen hundred hours sharp. I opened the door and stood before him, wearing the same gold-collared blue uniform he had worn when we met. I was not sure what to say, so I read his mind. His thoughts were dry, over-scientific, and old sounding.

_Attractive, disturbingly young. It is difficult to tell how she might look naked due to the flowing nature of her dress. I cannot tell how she would react to my form of speech. Betazoids are even more irrational than humans._

I glared at him. "Mr. Spock, planet Betazed is a paradise. We have not had a war in over six Earth centuries, we have no poverty, minimal mental illness, next to no disease, sophisticated technology, a prosperous economy, a sound and democratic government, we have made first contact with hundreds of races and are an accepted and respected part of the United Federation of Planets, we did not get where we are by being irrational. Oh, and we aren't crippled by a near-lethal sex drive every seven years, by the by. So your opinion of our rationality is definitely an illogical one, and aren't you Vulcans all about logic?"

His face was like stone. "I apologize, but I would ask you to abstain from reading my mind."

"I'm afraid that won't be easy once we're married. Betazoids share a stronger telepathic link with their family, loved ones and spouses than they do with regular humanoids. The good news is you'll be able to read my mind too, so it'll be even."

"I could read your mind, if I wished to."

"Oh yes, the mind-meld. Unfortunately, I'd be reading everything you have and you'd be exhausted afterwards. Vulcan mind powers are nothing compared to Betazoid ones. I know about your culture, Mr. Spock, my mother is one of the Federation Ambassadors. But I promise to try and stay out of your head." I found it very funny that I had managed to annoy a Vulcan. Unemotional my ass.

"Thank you. I would find it distracting, you see, to have you read my thoughts."

I sighed. "Very well. Trust me, I have no sincere wish to read what is inside your head. Now, who are we dining with."

"We are dining with Captain Kirk, Dr. McCoy and Mr. Scott, our Second Officer." He said, taking my arm and escorting me out the door.

"Very good. Will there be a crew member there to play the chime?"

"To what chime are you referring?"

I pulled the chime out of the green bag I had brought with me. "Why this chime, of course. It is Betazoid custom to have someone strike the chime at intervals of several seconds throughout the meal as a way of giving thanks." I said as we walked into a dining room where the captain, the doctor, and a new man in a red uniform were waiting for us. They all stood up when we entered.

"Amelia, that will not be happening tonight." Spock said.

"What won't be happening?" The Captain asked, looking at me with interest.

I knew exactly what to do. "Captain, please understand, it is the custom of my people to play the chime during a meal to give thanks for our food. All we need is a crewman to strike it every fifteen seconds or so as we eat. It is a very important Betazoid tradition."

"Mr. Spock, that's not a very nice way to treat your bride-to-be. Denying her her cultural traditions! I'd be happy to have Yeoman Grey to come in and strike the chime, she has fantastic rhythm."

I smiled. "Thank you Captain."

The Captain pressed a button on a little device on the table and said into it. "Will Yeoman Jane Grey please report to Dining Room one." He smiled at me. "She'll be here in no time. Now, if I may introduce you to Mr. Scott, our Second Officer and Chief Engineer."

"Very please to meet you, Ma'am." The man said, extending his hand. I set the chime to the far side of the table and shook it.

"Thank you, Mr. Scott. That's a wonderful accent you've got there. Tell me, what part of Earth are you from?"

"Scotland, Miss. And you can call me Scotty, everyone does."

"Mr. Scotty from Scotland, my, that is amusing. You are a charming man, just like your Captain, and, of course Dr. McCoy. Tell me, Doctor, how do you get your eyes to twinkle like that?" I asked as we sat down. Before he could answer, a young woman in an extremely short dress entered.

"Yeoman Grey reporting for duty Captain."

Kirk gestured to me. "Amelia?"

I looked at her. "My, that's the uniform for women, eh? Interesting. Anyways, Yeoman, see that chime? Please take it to the side and just strike it occasionally as we eat, please."

_What the Hell, I was called up for this?_ She thought. I just smiled at her. "Thank you."

She carried the chime to corner of the room and struck it. I looked down at the meals set before us only then, seeing some sort of vegetarian dish. I took a bite and smiled. "Very nice. Just so you know, I won't be reading any of your minds during the meal. It's only polite. Now, Dr. McCoy, you were going to tell me about your eyes?"

Dr. McCoy was trying not to laugh, as were the Captain and Scotty. "I don't know, Ms. Crispin, they just do, I guess. I've got very active tear glands."

"That's a very beautiful necklace, Amelia," Kirk said to me.

"It's the Fire Stone of Betazed, it's been in my family for several of your Earth centuries. Thank you very much, James."

"You are not going to address him as 'Captain?'" Spock asked.

"Why? I'm not one of his Officers. And I know I heard you call him Jim. He called me Amelia, which, by the way, all of you are free to call me, we Betazoids are very frank. You don't mind, do you?"

"Not at all." James said, still smiling. "You are not my subordinate or a Federation Employee, you can call me James or Jim."

"Tell me, how long have you and Spock been stationed together?"

"Well, McCoy, Spock and I first met at the Academy. Spock was our superior officer when we graduated and we became good friends, but I moved up the ranks pretty quickly and was granted Command of The Enterprise two and a half years ago. I consider the gentlemen sitting at this table to be my best friends. Mr. Spock has done a great many things for me. You're marrying a good man."

I smiled at him. I believed him, but the fact was, good wasn't good enough. He might be a man of the highest morals, but that didn't mean he could make me happy. "I believe you." Was all I said, and I patted Spock's arm.

"You are a student of neuroscience, psychology and genetics, I believe." Spock said.

"Yes, I'm going to be continuing my degrees through correspondence classes."

"Excellent, are you thinking of becoming a Doctor, Amelia?" Leonard asked.

"Of a sort. I have a great amount of interested in the mind and what makes us up. There is enough in one race that is fascinating, and there are so many to study."

"Hey Spock, you think there would be any lab hours she could use for study and experimentation?" McCoy asked my fiancé.

"Most likely, there are. If you ever wish to use one of our labs, I would be perfectly happy to schedule some time for you." Spock said to me.

I smiled at him. That was the sort of kind gesture I wouldn't expect from a Vulcan.

~-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

"


	2. Traditions

A/N: This chapter is short compared to my last one, maybe I'm updating too soon but I'm still keeping to my average. I hope you still enjoy this one. And REVIEW PLEASE! I want to hear what you all think! I even if you think (or know) that it's really, really bad!

Chapter Two: Traditions

3rd Person POV:

As usual, McCoy was inconveniencing Spock. He didn't know it, but he was.

Spock needed the Captain's advice, and the Captain was in sick bay for his physical. So Spock had to take that much more of his off-duty time going to sick bay and getting the Captain. Spock was not irritated with McCoy for once, that would be illogical. But he would prefer a different situation.

He entered Sick bay to find McCoy checking the Captain's heart beat.

"What is it, Spock?" McCoy asked gruffly, obviously annoyed at the intrusion.

"I need to see the Captain and get his counsel on some matters, Dr. McCoy." Spock replied evenly.

"Trouble with the Missus?" McCoy asked, smirking, then looking heavenward. "She make you listen to that chime again? Because I will tell you, after five minutes of that '_ding! ding!'_ I was ready to lunge at it and break the damn thing in half!"

"While I did find the chime inconvenient at dinner, I have not heard it since and doubt I will permit it to be played during a meal I have again. While I respect the traditions of Amelia's race, I find it interrupts conversation and can grow grating to the ears." Spock said. "There is, however, a Betazoid tradition I am struggling with."

"Yeah, and which one is that, Spock?" Kirk asked as he put his feet up to the wall pedals.

"As per the agreement set by my father with the Third House, the wedding is to be a combination Vulcan and Betazoid ceremony. A tradition I am bound to adhere to dictates that the groom and his family must present the bride with a chest of gifts. I am unfamiliar with what sort of gifts a groom gives a Betazoid woman. As Betazoids are closer to humans in their manner and attitude and as you, Captain, have had many successes with women, my logical conclusion was that you would be the best person to ask for advice on this matter."

Captain Kirk smirked as he pushed against the pedals. "Well, Mr. Spock, she's a classy type of girl, isn't she? A blue blood."

"I believe that Betazoid blood is red, Captain."

"It's an expression, Spock," Bones said, rolling his eyes, "It means she's an aristocrat."

"Yes, she is a daughter of the third house, holder of the-"

"We've _heard it_, Spock." Kirk said. "We know all her titles. You don't have to remind us."

"As annoying as that damn chime." McCoy grumbled. He looked at the Captain. "Okay Jim, feet down. Your readings are normal."

Kirk jumped up and nodded to McCoy. "Thanks, Bones." He walked towards the door and gestured to Mr. Spock. "Shall we?"

Spock nodded and walked with the Captain out of sick bay towards the Commerce room.

"Now, as I said, she's a real blue blood, so perhaps you should get her something classy, like some jewelry."

"I have already included my parents' engagement rings in the chest, Captain. My mother requested that I observe that Earth custom."

"How does your mother feel about this? Your getting married?"

"She is extremely pleased," Spock said, looking straight ahead. "She has been hoping that I would marry soon, and I believe my father might have arranged this match to please her. I consented due to a similar motive."

Kirk looked at Spock in amazement. "That's… Wow. Very… touching, in a warped sort of fashion, Mr. Spock."

All he got were quirked eyebrows and a reply of, "Warped to you, perhaps, Captain."

They entered the commerce room and went up to one of the shopping pads. Kirk pressed a few buttons and a picture of a gold and ruby bracelet. "Something to go with that necklace, perhaps?"

"I do not see why I should give her such a frivolous gift. It has no practical use and she already has a great amount of jewelry."

Kirk sighed. "Ah, Spock, where's your sense of romance?"

"Romance, Captain?"

"Yes, romance! Women like to feel cared about, they like to be given beautiful things, even if they are a bit frivolous. Here, how about this?"

He pressed another button and a picture of the gold-stemmed, color changing rose floating on the screen. "A Chameleon rose, they change color to match the mood of the holder."

"Fascinating." Spock said, eyeing the rose quizzically. "It could be useful for me to know her moods, as she already has the power to read my mind. And this is the sort of gift that is considered romantic?"

"Yes, Mr. Spock, very romantic. Just get one, it emphasizes the gesture." Kirk said, smiling at his best friend's comment.

"Very well." Spock pressed the "buy" button and looked at the captain. "What else would you advise?"

"Well, some nice garment, perhaps. I should probably get Uhura to help you pick that out though."

"I see, and do you have any other suggestions?"

"Well…"

~--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

Amelia's POV:

The next afternoon Spock showed up at my door again with my marriage chest wearing a simpler uniform. Despite my feelings about the wedding itself, I was interested in seeing what I was getting. I invited Spock in, thanked him, and asked him if he had time.

"The Captain has relieved me of duty today and any other time I would need to spend with you until the wedding."

"And then you'll be on duty during the ceremony?" I joked.

He looked confused. "Why would I be on duty at the Kun-ut-kal-if-fee?"

"I was making a little joke, Spock."

"A very little one." He commented.

"Coming from a Master of humor such as you, that means a lot."

He shrugged. "I am to give you a tour of the ship and brief you on regulations. I would also like to make two requests of you."

"Oh, what are they?"

"First, that you do not address Captain Kirk or any of the Officers on this ship by their first names unless you have become intimate friends with them and never address the Captain that way. I address everyone by their last name or rank. For you to do otherwise is inappropriate, especially since you are going to be my wife and it is disrespectful as well, no matter what the Captain says."

"What about Mr. Scott? He specifically told me to call him Scotty." I reminded him.

"Then you may call him that. But otherwise, do not do it unless one of the crew members goes out of their way to tell you that you may call them that."

"I think it's far too formal, and I already like the Captain very much, and you know he is very attracted to me."

Spock's eyes narrowed. "Is the feeling mutual?"

"Might be."

"Do you plan on having him challenge me for the rights to you?"

"No, I'm sticking with my agreement."

"And you are going to be faithful to me?"

"I hadn't thought of being otherwise. Just because an attraction exists it does not mean I would act on it."

"Very well. And for the record, I don't care whether or not you think it's too formal, I still wish for you to abide by Starfleet protocol."

I sighed. "All right, so what is your second request?"

"Are you going to do as I ask?"

"I'll try."

"Very well. My second request is that you wear this ring on the third finger on your left hand." He took a small box out of his pocket and handed it to me. I opened it and admired how the Earth diamond sparkled in its platinum setting. "My mother is human. It is an Earth custom for engaged couples to wear rings symbolizing their upcoming union on the third finger of their left hand. My parents gave me the rings that came from my mother's family."

"It is lovely." I said. "Do you have a ring as well?"

Spock held up his left hand. It was like mine, only the diamond was inlaid rather than mounted. I put mine on as he directed.

"It is an interesting Earth custom," I observed. "Why wear a symbol prior to the actual union?"

"I do not know. I consulted with the Captain as to what to fill your union chest with, many of his suggestions seemed quite impractical, so I included many texts regarding your lines of study."

"That is very thoughtful of you, I daresay, I was not expecting that." I admitted. "Oh! And a Chameleon Rose! I love these!" I picked the rose out of the chest and placed it in my hair. "What do you think?"

He looked at me with a stony face. "I have no opinion on the aesthetics. I am, however, satisfied at having found a way to read your emotions as you read my thoughts."

I suddenly lost all my good humor. "Mr. Spock, I have kept out of your mind as per our agreement. I don't know why you even bother talking if you thought I was reading your mind!" I was hurt that he saw this as a competition and was trying to use a gift to gain the "upper hand" so to speak. And that he thought I was not doing as he asked. That hurt too. "You managed to give me gifts and doubt my honesty all in one swoop. Congratulations."

He stood up quickly. "If I have offended you, I apologize."

I sighed. "No matter," I plucked the rose from my hair. "Does sort of sour the rose though, but you made an excellent selection. I had been meaning to read Chemical Processes of the Subconscious of Psychic Species. It was on my reading list. Now, why don't you be a gentleman and give me a tour of the ship?"

"That is a fine suggestion, Amelia," He said. "It would do you well to know the layout of our ship, as you will be living on it for the next two and a half years."

I stood up and followed him out the door, and he proceeded to give me the most thorough, boring, and exhausting tour I had ever been on. I was glad when we approached the door to my quarters again, but I decided to pay him back for the rose incident."

"Mr. Spock?"

"Yes."

"Since I have agreed to your two requests, then I think it's only fair to make a request of my own."

"And what is that, Amelia?"

"I want to see if you can smile."

His face was stony for a second and then his mouth split into a toothy, false smile that didn't reach his eyes. Disappointed, I nodded to him. "I'm a bit tired, so I think I will be turning in early tonight."

"Very well. Oh, and I was asked today by Dr. McCoy that you come to sickbay at 1500 hours for a physical."

"Alright," I said with my first ever false smile. "I will go to sickbay tomorrow and see Dr. McCoy."

"Good night then, Amelia." He said. I nodded.

"Good night." I turned into the room and headed for my bed, feeling very very alone. It was true, he was just a robotic alien. No heart, no emotion, no feeling. Just… Words and logic and practicality. The books were thoughtful in a bad way. How was that possible? He never tried to venture any opinion on me or our wedding or anything to do with the two of us. I had only seen three sincere facial expressions adorn his face: reserved calmed, quizzical, and focused. Did he care at all about what was going to happen? Or was I just some new duty for him? Probably. That was probably what it was. Just something new to see too. Fulfill his obligation to his father, to Vulcan, to Star Fleet and to Betazed. I would spend the rest of my life being part of his routine and nothing more. I never felt more objectified. I would now spend the rest of my life with the utter opposite of everything I had known and loved. There would be no joy, no passion, no excitement, no anger, no fear. Just… This. This repression, this illusion of logical control, this denial.

And worst of all? I had done this to myself.


	3. Discussions with Doctors and Vulcans

Chapter Three: Discussions with Doctors and Vulcans

I walked into sick bay at 1500 hours, just as McCoy had asked, and found a nurse with blonde hair sitting at a desk. She looked up at me with a stony but beautiful face, her cornflower blue eyes matching her short uniform.

"You are Ms. Crispin?" She said in a businesslike voice.

"Yes, I am. I am supposed to come in for a physical?" I said. I was wondering what made her act so cold, but I resisted the urge to read inside her head, but I could sense her emotions, and she was not happy.

"I am Nurse Chapel," she said, standing up and grabbing an info pad off the desk. "Follow me."

She led me to the next room where Dr. McCoy was standing by a large table that was inclined vertically. Nurse Chapel walked over and handed him the info pad.

"Ah! Amelia!" He said, smiling. "Glad to see you're here. Thank you, Nurse Chapel."

The nurse nodded and ducked out of the room, glowering.

I walked up to McCoy and shook his hand. "Hello, Doctor, how are you doing?"

"I bet you could know without asking, but thank you for doing so," he replied. "I'm fine. How are you?"

"All right, I suppose. But then again, you need to find out if that's _completely _true, now don't you?"

He chuckled. "Yes I do. Now, I am not very familiar with Betazoid biological processes, so I'm going to use a reference pad. Now, why don't you lie against this table on your back and we can get started."

I looked at the table fearfully. It was a giant, monstrous thing, though it was only a table. I wasn't used to human medical examinations and I wasn't sure if I was going to like it.

"It's alright," McCoy said in a softer voice. "You won't be hurt. Just lie against it and do as I say."

It seemed I'd been doing a lot of what people said lately. I didn't particularly like it. He pressed a button and the table turned so I was horizontal and facing a wall with electrical charts and pedals on it. The Doctor then took out his medical scanner and began taking my readings.

"Well, this is interesting, isn't it?" He said.

"Perhaps to you, Doctor, but I'm quite used to whatever readings you probably are getting, obviously." I said.

"Heh, you almost sounded like Spock there. Yes your readings are normal for your species. Perfect, actually." He hesitated for a second, and then inclined his head curiously. "If you don't mind me asking, how do you feel about marrying Spock?"

"I guess by the way people have been talking to me over the last few days that they don't usually like to ask a lot of questions?"

"Well, we ask a lot of questions, but we usually only ask personal questions of people we know well, and that was a pretty personal question I asked you."

"I don't mind," I said, actually appreciating the question. "No one has asked me that yet and I suppose it's a good question. I am not happy with the circumstances on which the marriage was arranged, but then again, despite it being the Betazoid way, I never liked the idea of having a marriage arranged for me. I know I'm going to struggle for the rest of my life to make this work, and I am not sure Mr. Spock will be able to understand well enough to help me. We're both very different people raised very different ways. Vulcans live in a way that is so different from my own that I find it dreadful, but I made my decision and I am going to have to learn to live with it."

His eyes widened. "I wasn't expecting you to be that honest. I am honored that you shared this with me."

"I would share it with anyone who cared, and I guess you're the first one here who does. Even with my family, my brother just voiced opinions and my parents just tried to comfort me. Of course, none of them had to ask how I was feeling. They knew."

"They're arriving on Vulcan in an Embassy ship, aren't they?"

"Yes. My mother had to go on a diplomatic mission to Vuralion III. I will see them when we arrive."

"I am very sorry you have to do this. Marrying a Vulcan. I can't imagine doing it, but it must be so much harder for you. Always being able to hear them, not having them express or emote anything at all. And you, raised in a way where everything is an open book."

"Strangely enough, there is one thing about both raises that is because of the ways we live. We're very honest, though I personally think Betazoids are more honest than Vulcans. I know they are a noble, honorable and intelligent race and that their system works for them, but I don't believe they don't have emotions, and I think they lie to themselves in a way."

"You know? I feel the same way. It infuriates me sometimes, the way they act. Start pedaling."

I began to pedal and listen to his as he continued. "With Spock, he just refuses to admit to anything he feels and he can be so damn patronizing when he talks about our 'human' behavior and emotions. 'I do not have those human emotions, they are illogical,' 'I have learned to tolerate all sorts of human behavior, Dr. McCoy.'"

"He is not quite that way with me, but then again, I can't seem to be open with him about my feelings on the matter. He makes me very uncomfortable and I find myself for the first time, withholding things. I guess some might see that in a way beneficial to me since it would force me to adapt, but I have no wish or intention to abandon the Betazoid ways I know. Otherwise, I'd be losing everything and I am proud of my heritage."

The doctor looked at me with pity, which I appreciated and felt ashamed of at the same time. I should be discussing this with Spock, not him. But at the same time, I wanted a friend here so badly. I smiled at him as warmly as I could. "Dr. McCoy, you are a very kind person. I think I've found my first friend aboard this ship and I could not be happier."

"I am glad that you consider me a friend. Now stop pedaling, your readings are normal. We're done here."

I got up, thanked him, and walked out of sickbay to go find Spock.

~-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

"So, you are unhappy."

Spock and I were sitting at his desk in his quarters. I had found him and brought him away to tell him everything I told McCoy and more. I nodded.

"But I don't regret my decision, nor will I go back on it."

"I have to admit that though your feelings are not beneficial to this arrangement, your thinking is sound. You will struggle and as I am unable to relate to your manner and way of life, I will probably not be able to help you work through them. Though I have learned to live among human and their emotions, I have no experience in living with or as a Betazoid or actually feeling a sense of struggle the way you do. I have not ever had to live one way and then leave it all to live with someone who lives an entirely different way. The closest I can get to understanding are my own experiences adapting to work with humans, but I am not married to them and I do not feel any need for people to empathize with me. I believe that is what you are seeking and I am unable to help you in this matter. I do not think that you plan on following the Vulcan way as my mother did."

"Absolutely not. You are going to have to live with me the same way I plan to live with you, but surely you must have thought about how you will deal with me as well. You have less choice in this than I."

"That is not true. Though Vulcans have arranged marriages, in this case I had a choice. Since the original marriage did not take place, I was allowed to refuse this one. I know my mother wishes to see me get married and I could see no logical reason to refuse."

"I see." I nodded. "But are you not worried about having to share your life with someone so different, who plans on staying that way?"

"No. As I have stated before, I have learned to tolerate human behavior, and as you are closer to humans in your ways, dealing with your own behavior will not be so alien or new to me as it is for you. You were logical in telling me this, as it would be the most useful way to getting me to help you in any way I possibly can, but I do not do well when exchanging emotions, nor do I wish to be. However, I am concerned that you will try to make me less Vulcan, and I do not wish to ever be expecting to act illogically or break with my traditions."

"I am not trying to change you, even though I am not a fan of Vulcan ways, and I doubt you are of my ways as well. Even though we will learn to live with each other, there is still a considerable problem for us."

"And that is?"

"Any children we have, how will we raise them?"

Spock's eyes widened. "Indeed, I am finding that Betazoids are not irrational at all. I had assumed that the logical choice would that they be raised as Vulcans."

"And why is that?"

"Because Vulcans follow logic and that will lead them to live rational lives. Vulcan emotions are volatile and irrational, they are far more prone to anger and paranoia, which is why they need the discipline of Kolinar and purge all of their emotions."

"You see, I have many problems with that. First, our children would be half Betazoid and only a quarter Vulcan, thus their heritage would be predominantly Betazoid. Second, as half-Betazoids, they will have empathic abilities, which will make it impossible that they will be able to follow the ways of Suvok. It will also make it hard for them to deal with constantly sensing the anger and paranoia you speak of from those around them. Third, as my children, they will be children of the third house and one of them will inherit from me the Fire Stone and the Sacred Chain, I do not think a Vulcan can appreciate or understand these things. Fourth, I would rather die than see any child of mine go through your kahswan ordeal. I will fight that with everything I have."

"My father did not make any agreements over how our children would be raised. But I will be their father and I will be the authority on this matter."

I laughed. "Spock, for a person who claims Vulcans are logical, you are being quite illogical. I have just given you several reasons why Vulcan ways would be unacceptable, you respond to none and instead give me an argument based on barbaric patriarchal sexist principles that would go against my rights. The whole idea of the father getting the authority is unfair and has no logical reasoning. In fact, as I would be the one carrying them in my belly for ten months and spending hours in painful labor giving birth to them, you'd think I'd earn the right to decide how they are raised. They will have the surname Crispin, as you have no last name of your own."

"My Mother took my father's name as her last name."

"You have already said so yourself that I will not be doing as your mother did."

Spock stared at me steadily. "We are going to be married on Vulcan with a Vulcan ceremony."

"With Betazoid marriage rituals included." I reminded him. "And I fail to see that as a reason we should raise our children as Vulcans."

"What about the unchecked Vulcan charge that they will go through if they don't follow Surak's code?"

"As I said, they will only be a quarter Vulcan and half Betazoid, chances are their emotions will be far more sound and rational. They may not need to purge all emotion to act rationally. Furthermore, Betazods have their own ways of dealing with intense emotion that works quite well for us: we express it. We can of course teach them to abide by logic, but I want them to keep their emotions and express them as we do. I don't want them to have to battle their empathic abilities while trying to pretend they have no feelings. I want them to grow up in a home that tells them they are loved and that they should not be ashamed of anything."

"Their other heritage is not to be ignored."

"Spock, you only seem to be concerned with your Vulcan heritage, are you not already ignoring some of your heritage? Other than the rings and being in Starfleet, I have not seen you do anything remotely human."

"That is because I am a Vulcan."

"Pardon me, Mr. Spock, but you're not. At least not completely."

"I have suppressed my human side and have all Vulcan abilities and biological characteristics, save for some human DNA patterns. I consider myself Vulcan."

"But these children will be different, Spock. They will be Empaths, perhaps even telepaths."

"Perhaps this decision should be made once we actually reproduce."

"My mother always said planning ahead was a good thing." I answered. "And I will probably be more passionate about this then than I am now. At least now I will speak to you logically. You have to agree, I have been quite logical throughout this discussion."

"I fear I cannot deny that," he admitted. "But there will be part of them that is Vulcan and they will have to know how to live like what they are."

"They will also be Betazoids, Spock. Do you really think half-Betazoids will be truly welcome on planet Vulcan. I'm sure you struggled with only being half-Vulcan growing up, and our children will only be a quarter Vulcan."

There was a shadow of pain that touched his face for a slight second and despite my promise to him, I went in. I heard catcalls of boys in my mind chanting "Human! Human! Look at his Human eyes! Half Breed!" And I felt pain, physical as well as emotional.

"Perhaps…" He said steadily. "Perhaps we may compromise. They can learn about following logic and controlling extreme emotions, but they can still be raised to express themselves and learn as Betazoids."

"That is satisfactory." I said. "Furthermore, I do not want to have children for several years. At least not on this ship."

"This ship does not have children on it, Amelia. You of course have access to birth control."

"Yes, I do. I just wished to clear it with you. I am not going to have children get in the way of my education or career. Which I also need to ask you about. Are there any civilian employees aboard the ship? I could be useful as a negotiation counselor and psychologist once I finish my degree. I can be part of the Science staff as well."

"We do not have any petty officers aboard this ship or civilian employees, but it is done. This will have to be something we discuss with the Captain. You could, if you wish, go to Starfleet Academy and continue your education there, though you would have to take four years rather finish your education in the remaining one."

"Would it be guaranteed that I would get a spot on the Enterprise?"

"No."

"Then that gives us a problem, doesn't it? I promised Sarek that I would be your wife. That means I shouldn't be separated from you for an uncertain number of years. I could be a civilian employee. I don't want to be useless and I want a career."

"This should be gone over with the Captain and Star Fleet command, I do not have the authority to hire you. I do agree though that you could prove very useful."

I nodded. "Incredibly useful. Having a telepath around is no bad thing."

Spock nodded. "I see. We should discuss it with the Captain tonight, he has invited us to a private dinner."

~-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

"I think it's an excellent idea, in fact, I had been thinking about it."

I smiled at the Captain. "Had you?"

"Well I couldn't really help myself. What's the point of having a science major on board if you can't use her? You have to admit, Spock, another science worker would be helpful. And after she gets her degree she could become the ship's psychologist!"

"Indeed, Captain." Spock said, nodding his head. "Amelia was at the top of her class at Rix University. She is very likely quite capable and will be quite qualified."

"Actually, I was thinking of waiting until I finished my degree to start working. The last year is the most difficult and it's going to take up even more of my time doing correspondence classes and adjusting to being married. I'll be able to become ship psychologist and scientist with more qualifications that way, and that's how I would prefer to do it."

Kirk looked surprised. "Very well then, you'll start duty when you graduate. But be aware, Amelia, the Enterprise is a ship with the best Officers in the fleet, we expect our crew to go above and beyond the call of duty. Do you think you're up for the challenge?"

I nodded. "I know I am, Captain."

~-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

After dinner I went to one of the ships viewing decks to watch the stars. I found Doctor McCoy in there, alone.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" I said, stepping back.

"No, come in, join me." He said graciously, patting the chair next to him. I went to sit down. "So, what're you doing in here?"

"Spock and I just had dinner with the Captain and after that I couldn't stand to go back to my quarters. They are so cramped, I thought looking at the vast expanse of space would make me feel good. And you?"

"Aviaphobia."

I stared at him, shocked. "Then why---?"

"Why am I in Star Fleet and why am I out here? I'm in Starfleet because after a nasty divorce, it was the only place I could go. I'm out here to remind myself that I'm in space whether I'm afraid or not and to just deal with it."

I suddenly had an even greater appreciation for Dr. McCoy. "That's admirable. I guess we sort of have a little in common."

"Yeah," he said, chuckling, "You're in a marriage you don't want to be in even though you're afraid, you're doing it, and I'm dealing with flying through space even though I'm petrified of flying."

"I'm going to start working on the ship. The Captain gave me a job for when I finish school."

"Oh yeah?" He said, sounding pleased. "Well, you're a lucky girl. You're going to be serving on the best ship with the best Captain in the galaxy. You're going to be a scientist?"

I nodded. "And the ship psychologist."

"Any good?" He asked jokingly.

"I had better be," I said, "Otherwise I wouldn't just be a bad psychologist, but a bad Betazoid as well."

"I guess you would. That's an interesting getup you've got on there. You weren't wearing it when you came into sick bay."

I looked down at my dress. It was a blue slim-fitting dress with long lace cuffs. "We had dinner with the Captain. I thought if I wore something clingy he'd agree to give me a job."

McCoy threw his head back and laughed. "You sneaky minx! You really know how to please a guy, don't you?"

"Really now," I replied, "You don't have to be a mind reader in these situations. Most men are pleased by the same things."

"But not Spock."

"Can Spock even be pleased? The man is carved out of stone."

"That is not true." McCoy said softly.

"What?" I said, shocked. "But you were just telling me today that he was patronizing about the fact that he does not feel emotions."

"Oh, he is. He's a total ass about it. But it's not true. I've seen him emote before. He just hides everything. Vulcan control and all that."

I sighed. "We discussed that today. Actually after I talked to you, I went to talk to Spock about how I felt. We actually ended up talking about how we would raise our children."

"Really? Huh, you know, I hadn't ever thought about that. Spock with kids." He gave a mock shiver and I laughed.

"I was actually more logical than he was when arguing as to whether any kids we'd have would be raised as Vulcans or Betazoids. Really, I could not believe a Vulcan could be so… irrational."

"Spock? Irrational. Well now, you see, he isn't a robot."

"Perhaps not, but I could hardly picture him ever caring about me or anyone else."

"Trust me, Amelia, you're very wrong about that. Spock is very committed to his friends. I know, as someone who has been his friend for years. You _are_ marrying a good man, even if he is a Vulcan one.

I cocked my head and found that I had spent more time watching him than watching the stars, so I looked out the window. "I do believe that. I'm just worried about the rest of my life, now that something so big is about to take place."

"That's understandable. You're awfully young to have this happen too. And while I don't approve of it, I'd rather have a nice girl like you with Spock than most others I know. He would not do most of the idiotic things most men do with their women, trust, me I've done all those dumb things and I know he'd never do them."

I truly liked Doctor McCoy.


	4. No Connection

Chapter Four: No Connection

"Amelia. Parted from me and never parted. Never and always touching and touched. We meet here, at the appointed place."

There was no turning back. I took a deep breath and said goodbye to everything I had ever known. "Spock. Parted from me and never parted. Never and always touching and touched. I have received you."

We linked our fingers, but for me it was like a wave. A wave goodbye to Cassius, Octavian, Ardin, my mother, my father, my school, and Betazed.

When I had arrived on Vulcan, I had gone back to my quarters as soon as I could and cried. Betazed was a beautiful planet, with green grass, sunlight dancing off of lovely rivers, Andro trees, blue skies, the pearl waters of Rix, the bushes of Udu berries, the flowers and white and gold buildings, the birds and their calls. Vulcan was a dark desert of red sand and enormous, black, spiky buildings that resembled thorny bushes and claws. No flowers, no trees in site. I didn't see an animal anywhere that didn't have fangs and everyone wore ugly clothes and sour looks on their faces. When they looked at me, I could feel them judging me. There were no smiles or laughter, not even from the children. They don't have jokes on Vulcan.

I vowed to myself that no child of mine would be raised here.

Now, here I was, getting married. I was wearing clothes, I was saying strange words. The groom had only two guests and neither of them were his parents. There were weapons present and an old, stern looking woman was sitting on a sedan chair presiding. The man I was marrying was not Octavian or Ardin.

Ardin. _Imzadi_. The man I left back on Betazed with his dreamy eyes and his dirty jokes and his temper and his stories and his vows that I would never marry Octavian and marry him instead. Well, he was half right. My Imzadi, the history student who would someday be a teacher to students that would love him and everything he had to teach them.

I'm sorry. I should have mentioned him before now, but it was too painful.

Ardin who, when he heard what I had done, at first swore to kill my brother in an angry rage but ended up with my head in his lap, crying with me, his tears falling into my hair as he stroked it. Who said he was angry at me but didn't want that to be my last memory of him. Who made love to me for the last time as we swam in the pearl waters. Imzadi who's voice I still heard inside my head, who's face I saw every time I closed my eyes.

I turned in the steps of the wedding dance of Betazed. The Betazoid peacocks were released. They flew off, along with Ardin. I managed to keep all but one tear from falling. I looked into Spock's face and wanted to die. Oh please, make it stop. Make it stop. Let me wake up from this dream. Let me wake up in the arms of my Imzadi and have him wake up to and comfort me because I was having this awful nightmare. This one is old, he has pointed ears and upswept eyebrows. He does not smile or laugh or love me. He is doing this to make his mother happy. He does not even hesitate because that would be illogical. He wants everything logical logical logical. He would never tell a story unless it was useful in some way. He would never tell a dirty joke. He would never fuck me under water, he would fuck me in the bed, in some cramped space ship quarters and look at me with no emotion. I'd be 24 when he had wrinkles. He always wore the same clothes. He came from a desert planet where they leave their children out in the wilderness for ten days with no food or water. He kissed with his fingers and had stupid hair. He didn't have thick, wavy brown hair and black, dreamy eyes. This man had tiny eyes.

As hard as I tried, I couldn't stop thinking these things. He only had two friends with him. He didn't even think it was necessary for his family to come. But he had made sure this old, ugly woman was there to stare disapprovingly as we circled each other. I couldn't look at my family. I was too ashamed to look at them knowing that in a few hours this older pointy-eared alien would be thrusting his body against mine.

I tried not to think of Ardin. Good-bye! Good-bye! I love you, you wonderful boy! Please, leave me now. I can't think of you and get through this. Please go away, you ghost! I cannot compare you to this man who I am marrying! I must be strong, and you are my weakness!

I decided to stop looking at Spock and instead looked over at Kirk and McCoy. Kirk's face was expressionless, but McCoy looked shocked and fascinated, his eyes wide, his head pushed forward and his mouth a straight line.

And I couldn't help it, I started laughing. I laughed like you laugh at a funeral. I laughed so that as we finished the ceremony, I had a wild, crazy smile on my face.

~-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

We were in the new quarters. They were bigger. There was a double bed. There were two desks and dressers and the washroom had two sinks. Already Spock's decorations were up. I hated them. I wanted to tear them down and crush them. I fantasized about crushing everything he owned into little, tiny pieces and laughing my head off.

"Are you feeling adequately healthy?"

This was his way of asking if I was ready to have sex. I would never be ready, not with him.

"Your energy levels are satisfactory?"

I wanted to shoot him. "Spock you can go ahead and fuck me now, it's fine."

"I see. Since you are eager to do so, we will."

"I'm about as eager to fuck you as your mother, I just want to get it over with."

I couldn't believe I had said that. I had actually said something I would have said on Betazed. I had been truthful with him.

"Is it your desire to be celibate?"

"No, I just want to get this over with, please!"

He took off his clothing, I went busy on mine so I would not have to watch. I laid down on the bed on my back and spread my legs. To my surprise, he rushed to get on top of me and played with my breasts a bit. He took twenty-five minutes and to my absolute shock, he grunted and even moaned a couple of times. I looked at his hideous sculpture on the wall with its blinking lights, counting the thrusts along with the flashes of light. One, two, three. One, two, three. I let the tears flow silently, just grunted a few times. His dick wasn't huge, but it was sizeable. He finished inside me, pulled out, and rolled over to the side. I felt like I had raped myself with his penis. I was disgusted with myself.

There was an awkward silence. Then Spock leaned over and kissed my mouth. A little part of me tasted Ardin.

"Your face is wet." Spock observed. I wanted to shoot him again.

"I am sad, Spock."

"I do not believe you climaxed." No shit.

"I didn't."

"I apologize."

"Not your fault. I'm in another place."

"No, you are not."

I sat up and pulled a sheet around me. He was right. I was not in another place. I was there. I was sitting on the bed in the quarters in a starship orbiting the planet Vulcan. I wanted to be in another place more than I ever wanted anything, but I was not. I was a Vulcan's wife, and all I wanted was to be somewhere else. I didn't even need Ardin. I just wanted to be at home. I would be strong, but not now. Now I would yearn for home, for this not to have happened. Now I would cry and hate and pity myself and hate everything but home and everyone there. I said all this aloud.

"Why are you telling me this? I do not think you trust me enough yet to tell me such intimate things."

"I am telling you because I am a Betazoid. I am telling you this because before I repressed myself for fear you and your father would go back on the deal if I offended you and now you can't. I am telling you this because this is what is going through my head and you're going to know sooner or later. I am telling you this because you asked. I am telling you this because if I hold another thing back, I'll kill myself."

"I see. And who, may I ask, is Ardin?"

"Ardin is my Imzadi. He was my lover on Betazed. He told me stories from history and acted out some parts as he imagined they had happened. He first kissed me when I was fifteen. He plotted to find a way to end my arranged betrothal with Octavian. He had thick wavy hair and sometimes spoke in a very high voice to make me laugh. He cried tears into my hair and is now back on Betazed, hating my brother, you, your father, and, in a temporary way, me."

I stood up and walked to the bathroom. I splashed water on my face and looked in the mirror. My hair had been neatly put into an elaborate bun, but now it was coming apart. My face was red from crying.

Mr. Spock entered the bathroom, his pants on again. Good. I didn't want to see his dick. "Your hair arrangement is coming apart. If you will allow me, I will undo it."

"Let me go sit down first. It's very nice of you, Spock."

"You seem to have much on your mind, whereas I have little to concern myself with right now in comparison. This would give you one less thing to worry about."

"You're not thinking about much? I'm surprised. Usually a man who just got married who has a new wife crying after sex would have a lot to think about."

"My concern is for you. You are dealing with emotional anguish. I have seen this exhibited by the Captain when he loses a crew member. It is debilitating and if you are like this for too long, you will not be able to go back to studying soon enough."

"Right."

~-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

Soon after the wedding I started to set up a schedule for myself. I woke up when Spock did at 630 hours, and would go down to the gym to work out and practice Tazmel (Betazoid Martial Arts) for an hour, then go have a shower back at our quarters and breakfast. By this time Spock would be out of our quarters and I would be free to bang the chime as I ate. I would then commence studying until lunch at 1200 hours, eat in the cafeteria with Lieutenant Uhura and Ensign Marie Foreman, who I had become friends with and didn't mind the chime. I had an hour of recreation, then back to completing classes.

Spock and I barely saw each other. We had dinner together (he refused to let me use the chime), woke up together, and usually went to sleep at the same time, though sometimes I stayed up late studying or going to the stargazing deck to be alone and think. I usually tried to keep myself busy so I would not have to think too much, especially not about him.

I tried to pretend he didn't exist, though at times it was hard. Spock had made an agreement with me that we would have sex if either of us was restless and could not get to sleep. I, of course, always pretended to sleep well, but if he had any restless energy, we'd go at it. The occasions were few and to my surprise, he managed to make me climax once in a while. Afterwards, everything was silent.

But it didn't take long for issues to arise. One morning as we got up, Spock asked me about something I had not even thought of since I was given my marriage chest.

"Wife?"

"Yes, Spock?" I asked, rolling my eyes at his use of the word "wife." I hated it when he called me that. I was too young to be called "wife" by anybody, even my husband.

"You informed me shortly before our marriage that your species forms a particular telepathic link with family, loved ones and spouses, yet we have been married three weeks already and we have not formed a particular telepathic bond as far as we have noticed. The logical conclusion is that there is something wrong."

The realization brought me out of my morning haze and woke me up quite well. I thought about it carefully. "Spock, I don't know why this is. It could be a number of things. Perhaps it has to do with you being Vulcan. Or maybe it's because I barely know you and feel no personal connection with you. On Betazed, even in arranged marriages, we usually feel a personal connection to the person we marry because we've known them since childhood. I knew Octavian since I was three. I only met you a little over a month ago and don't feel connected with you in any way other than the most traditional sense. I have stayed out of your head as you've asked me, and because you are the least personable, engaging, or forthcoming person I have ever met, I have had little to no opportunity to learn anything about you. I daresay I know more about Lieutenant Uhura than I know about you."

"If that is the case, then you have certainly failed in trying to fix that. Your schedule is such that our paths rarely cross during the day. As my schedule is set up by my work and you are in control of your own time, you are the one with a greater opportunities to make sure we are fully aquainted with one another."

I rolled my eyes. "Spock, you don't understand, I spend less time with Uhura or Foreman than I do with you each day, yet I feel I know more about them. It's not enough to be in the same place at the same time, you have to converse, have exchanges, volunteer things. I told you a great amount of things about myself, but you volunteer nothing of your own life. It makes it impossible to relate to you. There's a marriage on paper, but not of minds."

"I see. Well, I will try to rectify this problem if you wish, though I am not practiced well in relating to humans."

"I don't doubt that, but you've spent most of your time around human men. Human men don't talk much about their feelings or anything other than the most casual topics. I'm a Betazoid female. It's very different. You can't get away with the same nondisclosure with me. Unless, of course, you like to save yourself the trouble and let me read your mind."

"No thank you, Amelia," Spock said, "I am quite confident I can manage the situation without telepathy being involved."

"Fine, then at dinner tonight, you will start talking, and perhaps I'll be able to share more with you, as well."

At dinner that night, he arrived promptly at 7:00 and sat down to a meal of Vulcan leek soup and squash casserole. He gave me a quizzical look. "A Vulcan dish?"

"I thought maybe you'd like it." I said, shrugging. "That's just me, trying to be considerate. I don't know what your favorite food is, so I thought I would make a guess."

Spock took a sip, then shook his head. "I can see how you would arrive to the conclusion that I would prefer a Vulcan dish, but it so happens my favorite dish is Vegetarian Earth Lasagna."

"Really?" I said, surprised. "I would have thought you preferred the Vulcan alternative every time."

"My mother was human, and she did the cooking at home. She preferred making Earth meals, and I grew to prefer eating them."

"Yeah?" I smiled, shocked at how forthcoming he was being. "What other Earth customs did you pick up?"

"Very few, save for an enjoyment of Earth Literature. My mother was a College English teacher and linguist, she brought many of her books with her to Vulcan."

"Any particular favorite?"

"Mary Shelley's _Frankenstein_, Oscar Wilde's _The Picture of Dorian Gray_ and Ayn Rand's _Anthem_ were personal favorites."

"I've read those! I adore Oscar Wilde's work in particular. I took many classes in Federation literature in Secondary School and fell in love. So, no other Earth things?"

"I am very much a Vulcan," replied Spock before taking a bite. "I tried to avoid much of my mother's cultural influence growing up."

"It must have been hard, growing up in between those two worlds and not being able to express yourself."

Spock's eyes flicked for half a second. "There were difficulties. But I was able to work through them."

"Well, obviously." I replied evenly. "But that doesn't make what you had to go through any less of a hardship."

He said nothing more and I shut up and finished my meal. I knew I had gone far enough for one night.

It did not end up mattering much, whether we had our dinners or not. Spock withheld nearly everything. I asked him about his relationship with his father, all he said was, "He does not approve of my career choice." He refused to elaborate. I asked him about his mother, all I got was, "She is human." I asked him why he wished to join Star fleet. The answer? "It was a logical decision, as I was welcome and interested in cultivating a variety of new knowledge." All his answers were short, clipped sentences, no hint of humanity was present. He did not bother asking me about myself either, though I volunteered as much information as I could, I could not tell if he was listening. He merely kept his lips pursed, stared at me, and said nothing.

~------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

One Month Later

I was in the middle of finishing my thesis and was cramming hard for final exams when one evening Spock had come into our quarters to find that his pile of dirty clothes had gotten very high. He had asked me why I hadn't done the laundry, and I replied that I didn't know I was supposed to. He had told me he had expected me to do it without asking since I was his wife and "didn't have much else to do." I lost it.

"You are being irrational, Amelia. Your anger is not warranted."

"I'm in the middle of finishing my degree! I'm trying to learn everything I can so I don't fail my exams! I'm trying to make sure the last six years of my life weren't wasted and you say I don't have much to do except clean your laundry?! Are you insane?! You inconsiderate bastard!" I railed at him, my eyes filled with angry tears.

"If I am inconsiderate, then you certainly are as well, since your efforts toward assisting me with our home are minimal at best." He just stood there, with that reserved expression on his face. It just made me feel worse.

"I don't owe you anything!"

"You are my wife!"

"Yeah, and why? Because I agreed to marry you. And I did. I didn't agree to clean for you, do your laundry, leave my home to live with you, have sex with you, try to get to know you or anything! I could have just had the wedding and gone home. But no, I wanted to do it right. And what has it gotten me? You don't take any interest in me or my life, and you are so withholding that I can't establish a link with you! That's not my fault, Buddy! You can't even connect with me and I'm supposed to be your wife! You call this a home? This is no home! I should have just gone back to Betazed, I'd be much happier there! All you can do is ask me why I'm not doing your laundry. Well, maybe it's because you're hardly my husband!"

Spock stared at me for a long moment. "You are correct in saying this is not home. We do not have the same home. Mine is Vulcan and yours is Betazed. I fail to see why you cannot do simple household tasks while you are not employed, but I will think over what you have said to me. I will take the dirty clothing to the laundry room and do them myself."

He left with a bag full of clothing, everything about him carrying a sort of finality that struck fear into my heart. What would he do? It was true—I could not connect with him mentally. I had been trying my best for over a month to poke and prod him for information about himself so I could establish a connection. I got nothing. Nothing at all. It wasn't working. He wouldn't let it. And that was what angered me.


	5. Thank You

Chapter Five: Thank You

I went to Sick Bay to find the surly blonde nurse sitting at her desk alone. She looked up and scowled. "How may I help you?"

I was so sick of her attitude that I went ahead and read her mind.

_----Oh look, here's the Betazoid Bride ready to pay me another unwanted visit. How did this toddler manage to marry Spock. I could have gotten him to love me and there's no chance anymore. She doesn't understand him, his Vulcanness, his humanity, his soul. She's just some stupid floozy who will never love him. I can't imagine he loves her and now he's trapped and I can't get to him.----_

I took a step back, startled. She just looked at me like I was insane. I shook my head slightly and looked at her again. "Is Dr. McCoy in?"

"The Doctor is off duty. Computer!" She said into her button pad. "Please tell me the location of Dr. Leonard McCoy."

"Dr. McCoy is in Gymnasium A." The computer replied. Nurse Chapel looked at me. "Well, there you go."

I thanked Nurse Chapel and made my way to the Gym.

I found McCoy going at one of the punching bags, the muscles on his arms rippling as he punched. He looked up, spotted me, smiled, and then got hit in the face with the rubber. I laughed despite my sympathy for him, and walked over to him.

"I guess that thing had enough of you." I remarked. McCoy rolled his eyes and looked me up and down.

"You're not dressed for exercising so I guess you came here to find me. Chapel tell you where I was?"

"Yeah, and I need your help."

"What do you need?" He asked, laying a towel around the back of his neck and taking a swig from his water bottle.

I glanced around nervously. "Well, it's kind of a personal thing. Can we talk privately?"

"I don't see why not." He said, looking as though I had grabbed his attention. "Come on, we'll go to my quarters."

I walked with him back to his private rooms, trying not to read the minds of the crewmen that passed us in the halls, though their curious expressions sparked the same feeling in me. I had gotten more and more used to not reading everyone's minds, but when they looked like that, well, my control was tested.

We got back to his quarters and he went into his bathroom, and I sat in his private office. He began to shout over to me from his water closet.

"So, what is this personal thing you wanted to discuss?"

"It's about Spock and I." I shouted back to him.

"Amelia, I'm a Doctor, not a marriage counselor. I'm not sure I can help you unless Spock is having erectile dysfunction or something."

There was a pause, then Bones stuck his head out from behind the door and said with an evil grin, "He doesn't, does he?"

"No." I said sourly. "But I do have a problem that you could perhaps help me analyze. It's a problem that could possibly be neurological."

"Well, not to sound stupid," McCoy said as he came out of the bathroom in his sick bay uniform, "But you're the neurology student. This sounds like something for you."

"I'm afraid I can't approach the problem objectively."

"Okay then, why don't you tell me what it is."

I took a deep breath. "When it comes to Betazoids, we are all telepathically linked whenever we're close to one another. But there is another link that Betazoids form with people significant to them, a strong, telepathic link that can be shared by members of other species. This link is usually formed between a Betazoid and a loved one, a relative, a spouse, or our lovers. But for some reason, Spock and I have been unable to share that bond, which is a key to Betazoid marriage. It has been over two months and Spock and I still have not formed the bond. I can't understand how I could not be able to form this with someone I married, Vulcan or not. It's just… unnatural."

"And you think it's something medical, not just something psychological?" McCoy asked.

"It's the only thing I can think of. It could be because he's Vulcan, but I don't think that's it. Several Beatzoids have married humans and have been able to establish that link with them, and humans don't even have the telepathic abilities Vulcans possess. You would think it would be easier with a man with psychic abilities."

McCoy sat down and thought for a second. "There is one thing I can think of. The first is that perhaps what drives his psychic abilities is different from what drives yours and the two forces reject each other in some way. That's a possibility."

"I suppose."

"If you were presented this case from a psychological standpoint, what would be your guess?"

"I don't know I—well…" I sighed. "Don't think I'm complaining or anything, because I haven't wanted to admit this to myself I think that it's possible that the strain of trying to restrain my telepathic abilities constantly could be getting to me. I went from reading everyone's mind all the time to having to restrain myself all the time trapped on a ship with over four hundred other minds. I've also been under a lot of emotional stress and I think that, coupled with the fact that I feel I'm in a joyless marriage could be hindering me."

McCoy nodded. "Sounds like the answer is right there. But if you like, I'll do CAT scans on you and Mr. Spock and we can analyze and see if we find an answer there. How about it?"

I smiled. "That sounds excellent. But I'd rather not have Spock know I talked to you about this. If you could find some excuse…?"

"Consider it done."

~----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

"Amelia."

I looked up from my information pad, startled. Spock entered our quarters in the middle of the day. That never happened.

"What is it, Spock?"

"The Captain," he said, straightening his posture, "Has requested your assistance. We are currently orbiting a class M planet containing humanoid life forms with whom we can't seem to communicate. They do not seem to have any spoken language and we were hoping you could probe their minds and discover how they communicate. The Captain requests that you join the away team."

"Alright then," I said, eager to get out of our quarters. "Let me change my clothes and I will join you in the transporter room."

"Very well, thank you, Amelia."

I quickly change into rose-colored off the shoulder dress and leggings and made my way to the transporter room, where Spock, the Captain, and Ensign Chekov stood waiting for me.

"Ready for your first away mission, Mrs. Spock?" Chekov said to me.

"My name is not Mrs. Spock, Mr. Chekov. My name is Lady Crispin or Amelia." I replied.

"Oh, sorry." He said sheepishly.

I took my place on the transporter pad beside the Captain. "I'm ready."

"Very good." The Captain said. "Energize!"

I seconds we were in a beautiful green meadow bordered by purple trees. I smiled at once. It made me think of home.

At once, several dark haired men and a woman in gilt robes came out of the trees, looking at us curiously. They were indeed humanoid, and had black eyes not unlike my own. I opened my mind to receive them. All at once several voice hit me, several of which came from the crew. I looked at them.

"Please, would you all clear your minds, it is hard to hear you all at once after so long repressing my telepathy." I said. They obliged.

_Who are you?_

_You came from nowhere, how?_

_What do you call yourselves?_

_Why have you come?_

I smiled and ventured my own thought.

_Please, we mean you no harm. I am Lady Amelia Crispin, of the Planet Betazed. The man to my left is Captain James Kirk of the Starship Enterprise and the Planet Earth. Also from Earth is the young man, Ensign Chekov. The man with the pointed ears is my husband, Commander Spock of Vulcan. We are explorers from the Federation of Planets and recently discovered your world. We come as friends._

One of the women, who wore a gold circlet in her hair, came forward.

_You can speak to us, Lady Amelia, but the others cannot._ _I am Vera, overseer of this land. These are my men. These are your men?_

_One of them, my husband, Spock, the others are my friends. Do you all communicate telepathically?_

Vera looked at me like I was nuts. _How else would one communicate?_

_Where we come from, we communicate with sounds, with our voices. _

_Is that because your men cannot read minds?_

_Most our men and our women cannot read minds,_ I explained, _Those from my planet can, however._

I turned to Captain Kirk. "This race communicates solely through telepathic means. I have introduced us. This woman, Vera, seems to be the leader."

Captain Kirk nodded. "It seems we'll need you as a translator then. Please proceed."

I turned back to Vera and ushered the Captain forward. _This is our leader, Captain Kirk. He is the commanding officer aboard our starship._

The Captain extended his hand. "Pleasure to meet you, Ms. Vera."

Vera looked at us both, shocked. _This is your leader? You are not the leader?_

_No, I am just Spock's wife and a volunteer counselor aboard the ship._

_But how can you let a man be your leader? Is he not bound to a woman?_

I looked at her curiously. _Are all your leaders women?_

_Of course! Men are overly aggressive and emotional, and very irrational. They create trouble wherever they go unless under the eye of their women and do not like to make decisions. _

I gaped at her.

_Oh, don't get us wrong,_ she thought hastily, _we love our men! We love them greatly and would gladly allow anyone of them who wanted independence and had a rational mind to have it. But they don't. We care for them greatly._

I looked at Captain Picard. "They are a matriarchal society. Completely ruled by women. Apparently their men are too irrational and aggressive and lack any desire to make their own decisions."

Captain Kirk's left eyebrow shot up. "Fascinating. I guess you'll have to lead the way then, Amelia."

I looked at Vera again. _Where we come from, our men like power, and have evolved into beings that are rational and not overly aggressive most of the time. For most of the history of some of the race in our federation, men were the primary leaders. Now we share power. I can assure you Captain Kirk is a most capable leader, my husband is a man who is committed to logic, and Ensign Chekov would not hurt a fly. You can trust them._

Vera looked at the Captain suspiciously for a second, then shook his hand. He smiled.

"Tell them, Amelia, that we are interested in observing and learning about their culture, that we have no attention to interfere and our intentions are friendly.

_My Captain wishes you to know that we are here to observe and learn about your culture and will not interfere. Our intentions are friendly and we are very interested in your culture. What are your people called?_

_We are the Izada._

I relayed that information to the Captain, and at once Vera invited us to her home.

As we were given a tour of Izada, we learned that they were artists, craftsman, philosophers, farmers and inventors. The only physical violence that ever occurred was when the men got into physical altercations, things that were seen as embarrassing and scandalous. All their conflicts for as long as they could remember (and they had detailed historical accounts dating back thousands of years) were solved by mental debate and sporting competitions. The only force they ever used were beams of neural energy they set off which temporarily stunned whoever it was directed towards. Their city, Lomyna, was gorgeous, and not unlike Betazed. Their technology was as advanced as ours in areas of agriculture, energy, and medicine, but in terms of transportation they were on the level of twentieth century earth and there was no entertainment or defensive technology to speak of. They were a capitalist, democratic republic with a group of elected executives with one head Minister. Their manners were hospitable and they were neat as pins, but they were quite sexual, several times we had to keep Chekov and Captain Kirk from being led away by one of the women of the planet. If a conflict could not be solved by mental debate, it would be settled by the women choosing one of their men to compete against their opponent's man in a sporting competition and if no winner could be decided from that, the issue went to the government. They wore little clothing and the women doted on the men, listening to everything they said and trying to please them. The men were pampered while the women worked and they all seemed happy in their roles. Both genders pursued crafts and explored different parts of their world, but none of them seemed to have any interest in exploring the world outside their own.

_Why should we, when we have everything we want and plenty to explore on our own planet?_ Vera answered when I asked her why they had no interest in space travel.

I communicated everything to Spock, who wrote it down in his report.

"According to our tricorder scans," Spock informed me, "Their biochemical makeup is almost identical to those of Betazoids."

In the evening, the leader of the planet, Miala, set out a banquet in our honor. Captain Kirk and I were seated on either side and many of the citizens presented us with gifts.

_You will go down in history as the first visitors of the stars_. Miala informed us.

We were shown their beautiful waterfalls and hot springs, their numerous farms, and gorgeous woods. The planet was a paradise.

"Reminds me of Russia," Chekov commented.

We presented Miala with a gift of chameleon roses and silks, which she took with pleasure. She told us we were frends, but then informed us that though she was pleased with us, she did not wish for more visitors from our Federation to come to Izada unless I was with them.

_We wish to protect our planet from outside influences. We do not want many visitors._

We agreed to this, and promised to protect Izada from any invading forces should they request it. After saying happy good-byes, we beamed back to the Enterprise.

"A job well done, Amelia," the Captain told me once we were back aboard. "You conducted yourself beautifully with the Izadans and we are very thankful. I am going to register you as our Official Ship's counselor and appoint you as an acting Ensign. I think you could go far with a career in Star Fleet."

"But Captain," Spock said, "She has not attended the Academy, now does she have any desire to."

Kirk looked at me curiously. "What if we were to find a way for her to attend the Academy through correspondence? Would you like that Amelia? I know you already have a degree, but we could transfer credit and you could become qualified to be a full Star Fleet Officer. Would you like a career in Star Fleet?"

"Thank you for offering Captain, and I will accept the job of ship counselor. I will consider taking becoming an officer through correspondence, but I will need to think on it."

"Very well. Please inform me once you have made your decision. Dismissed."

~------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

"Amelia."

I looked at Spock through the open washroom door.

"Yes, Spock?"

"It is my opinion that you would do well to enlist in Star Fleet and attend the Academy. But I do not think it would be wise to do it through correspondence. I think you should attend the Academy on Earth."

"Why?"

"Because you are not happy here, nor do I think you should be expected to take on so much weight at such a young age. You should explore your youth. You are married to me at far too young an age and to ask you to juggle the life of an unhappy bride, a ship's counselor and an Academy cadet is not fair to you. I think you would enjoy Earth and the Academy."

I looked at him, surprised. "You think we should separate?"

"It is a logical course of action. You have your own career to pursue, we are not particularly attached and you wish to pursue a career in Star Fleet. That will be an easier thing for you if we were to separate."

I walked over to him and hugged him. He stood woodenly, but I smiled up at him anyway.

"Thank you."


	6. Chapter 6

AN: I'd like to thank Thariva201, Leira, blueoeyedodevil, Saiyanwizard, AlyssaMichelle07, ilqtsgaG2nbwkla33 and all my awesome reviewers, you guys rock!

Chapter Six: Time

I did two months as Counselor and Acting Ensign for The Enterprise until it was time to leave for the Academy. Since I already had an advanced degree, I was put on a special course for educated cadets. I would have fewer classes and most of my time would be spent doing active work for Star Fleet on Earth. I would graduate with the rank of Lieutenant instead of Ensign, and, if I wished, I could stay another year to qualify as a bridge officer.

Once I was off the Enterprise, it was like a great weight had been lifted. Suddenly things were less gloomy and less remote. Rather than spending my nights lying next to a man I didn't love I was spending it in a dorm, surrounded by other girls who expressed their emotions and found me funny.

I, and three other Cadets were under the Charge of Admiral Leah Janeway, the second in command of the Star Fleet Counselors Division. With me was Cadet Ginger Frazen, a saucy red head who I became fast friends with, Cadet Beelox Forder of the planet Nordis, who was just strange, and Cadet David Grappler, who reminded me of a less foolhardy Cassius.

Suddenly, I was back at school again, having fun and studying on a beautiful planet. San Francisco was a paradise, you could not help but fall in love with it. I had my breakfast every morning at a quaint little coffee shop with Ginger and David and once a week I'd go to a dance club with some girlfriends, then head to a bar with some guy friends and play pool. The training I was getting was rigorous, but I loved it.

I didn't forget Spock. I sent him regular messages about my progress and what I was doing. The only thing that was missing from my second college experience was sex, and I never forgot who I owed my new living situation to. Some of my vacation time I spent visiting The Enterprise or home, but I spent most of it putting in extra credit hours. I wanted to qualify for the Bridge Officer's course as soon as possible so I could knock them all dead. I was no longer that depressed little girl. I was an up and coming member of Star Fleet and an Officer in my own right.

And then I fell in love.

Well, I'm not sure if you could really say that. It was more like a deep infatuation than love. The only reason I doubt its authenticity is because he reminded me of Ardin so much. I could have just been trying to use him as a replacement Ardin.

His name was Stephen Coulter, and he was a junior grade cadet two years below me. The first time I saw him, I mistook him for Ardin, he looked so much like him. But I knew within seconds it wasn't him. It was just a boy who looked exactly like him.

And acted like him, too. Stephen had the same laugh, the same smile. He found the same jokes funny and was even a history major. It was too much for me.

He fell in love with me, too. I knew even before he asked me out. It crushed both of us when I had to tell him I was married. He kept his distance for a while after that until one night he showed up outside my apartment, calling my name.

I ran downstairs to get to him. "What, what do you want?"

"I can't help it, Amelia, I'm madly in love with you. I've tried everything, but I can't stop thinking about you. I know your husband is probably upstairs and I know you're probably too in love with him to even think about me and I know I'm an idiot and I know there is no chance, but I had to tell you. I had to tell you how I felt before I went insane."

I could not help it, I kissed him.

When I regained my senses and pulled back, he just looked at me in amazement. "But… your husband."

"Thousands of light years away. We don't love each other. It was an arranged thing."

"Then maybe we could…?"

I suddenly regained my senses and turned away. "I can't. The situation is complicated, but if I do this, it could ruin everything. I can't take that risk."

I looked at him again. He was beautiful. That dark curly hair. Those dark eyes that were oh-so dreamy. I could have melted into him. I never wanted anything so much.

"So that's it? You're going to deny yourself what you want because of some guy out in space who probably doesn't care about you nearly as much as I do?"

"You don't understand!" I knew that if I stayed there any longer, I'd give in and ruin everything. The temptation was so great I could barely stand it. I ran inside, away from him before I could do anything more to me. He called after me, but I covered my ears. It was too much.

I cried into my pillow that night until I fell asleep.

I was woken by the buzzer at my door. Someone had come to call.

I sauntered over to the intercom and asked who it was.

"It is Spock."

Spock! Oh God, the last person I wanted to see was there. I wrapped myself in my robe and buzzed him in.

He entered my apartment with some determination. "Wife, I hope you are well."

Sorry, Dude. But I couldn't exactly tell him anything. "I'm alright."

"There was a young man lying on the bench outside your building in an Academy Uniform. Do you know him?"

Oh God. I ran to the window and looked out. Indeed, there was Stephen, looking up at my window. I shut it at once.

"He's just a boy I know."

"He seems rather unstable."

"He probably is. What are you doing here?"

Spock straightened up and looked rather odd, even for him. I would have almost have said it was a look of embarrassment if I didn't know him. "It is time. Seven years has passed. I am experiencing the Pon Farr again."

The last thing on Earth I wanted to do was have sex with Spock. I stared at him for a long time. My heart was broken and here was the husband I barely knew expecting me to fuck him. Needing me to fuck him. Was this what I signed up for?

And then I remembered that yeah, it was.

I had done it all for Cassius. When was the last time I had heard from my brother? It had been an abnormally long time. I tried not to think of him.

I sighed. "Very well, Spock. Let's go into the bedroom and get it over with.

It was the worst sex I'd ever had, though it wasn't Spock's fault. I couldn't blame it on him. I couldn't hate him for it.

What I could hate him was what happened after we had sex. I was lying naked in the sheets, wanting to die, when Spock turned to me.

"I have come with some unfortunate news. Your brother is ill."

~--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

"What?!" I said, sitting upwards and gathering the sheets around me. "Cassius is sick? How sick?"

"His ailment is considerable. He is suffering from Harthode's disease. It is late in its first stage."

I gulped. Harthode's was a disease that was curable in its first stage, except in extreme cases. Once it reached its second stage, it was incurable and lethal. It was a painful death that involved skin legions, pox, fevers, sweats, eventual loss of control of the lower body, seizures and aches and pains. The first stage was practically painless and usually cured quite easily, but in some rare cases it could not be treated and no one knew why. If it was late in its first stage, then my brother was in serious danger.

I stared at Spock. "Why didn't you tell me this when you first arrived?"

"I was concerned that the news would make you ill-disposed to have intercourse with me. Since I was experiencing the Pon Farr I could not afford that. I could not see that it would make any difference for you to know half an hour later."

I glared at him. "You… Have you no heart?!"

"I fail to see why you are so upset with me for doing this. It wouldn't help the situation for you to have known half an hour ago. You are perfectly well-informed. I am surprised you are upset with me. I thought you would be more preoccupied with worry over your brother's condition."

I hated him so much at that. I could not believe he'd say that to me.

"I don't need to justify or prove my concern for m brother to you. I don't need to justify my emotions. After all, you look down at all emotional reactions anyway, what would be the point? Because you don't feel, do you? Or at least you've told yourself that enough to convince you that it's true. Well go ahead, I don't care."

"You don't care about my good opinion?"

"I just found out my brother might die. I could care less."

I stood up, desperate to get away from him. I needed to wash him off me. As soon as possible. Just being in the same room with him made my skin crawl. I went into the bathroom and started the shower. When I got in I immediately grabbed my loofah, body wash, and the intense salt scrub I only used when I really needed to get crap out of my skin and I began to scrub harshly at my skin until it was red. The water was hot and it burned, but I didn't care. Once I couldn't take the pain anymore, I moaned and started beating my fists against the wall with all my might. I couldn't believe it. All this. years of my life I had given up. All this pain and change. All this and Cassius might end up dying. I was married to this man and all to spare my brother's life. And now it would be stolen from him anyways.

I could not imagine the galaxy without Cassius in it. A world without my big brother? Without his dirty jokes, nonchalance, and wild spirit? Without his long arms that gave the best hugs. So much of my life had been based around him. Who I was friends with, who I fell in love with, who I married… How could I live without knowing he was out there somewhere? I had sacrificed so much for him and now I wouldn't even get the chance to have it mean something. He was going to die and I wasn't even with him. He was going to die and I was thousands of light years away.

I cried out five times. Once for grief. Once for anger. Once for frustration. Once for loss. Once for disbelief that I had become so much a part of a man who had screwed me over more times than I could count. What kind of person was I? Would I be able to handle this? What had my life become?

Spock practically flew into the room. "Amelia, are you---?"

I cut him off with a roar. "CAN'T I TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER? LEAVE ME ALONE!"

He ran out of there even more quickly than when he came in. I turned off the water and reached for the towel. I tried to regain my composure as I dried myself off. Time to actually do something.

I went into my bedroom and got dressed. I then went out to the living area and found Spock in the kitchen making tea.

"I thought this might soothe you some. I have seen it have a very calming effect on Lieutenant Uhura."

"Thank you," I said, taking the cup from him and a sip. "Why didn't my parents tell me about this sooner?"

"When it was first discovered, it was thought that it would be treated easily and quickly. For a while your brother seemed to be responding well to the treatment. They did not see any reason to worry you. It was only a couple of days ago that they saw signs of decline. Sub-space transmissions have lately been malfunctioning throughout the Alpha Quadrant and so we could not reach you through those means. We decided that I should deliver the news to you on my visit."

I nodded. "I need to book passage to Betazed immediately."

"I have already seen to that. We leave tomorrow morning on the Transport ship Tolstoy."

"Thank you."

"Not at all."

I still hated him. He took a deep breath.

"Amelia, I have realized that I made a grave error in judgment in not telling immediately of your brother's illness. I do apologize."

I nodded. "I forgive you, Spock. I just… need some peace right now."

"I understand. But as your husband I do see it as my duty to accompany you to Betazed."

I nodded again. "Yes, I figured as much."

~--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

Two Weeks later:

He gasped for air. His once perfect skin was covered in suppurating sores. The smell of shit and piss filled the room. I had been in there for six days straight, by his side, never leaving. Not even to shower or eat or sleep.

_Amelia, I'm so sorry._

_I know, Cass, I know. It doesn't matter anymore._

_I want to die._

_Don't think like that._

_What the Hell do you mean, don't think like that? I'm already going to die. We both know that. I'd just rather not suffer anymore and besides, me dying means you'll no longer have to stay married to that Vulcan corpse. I realized your life would be a lot better without me a long time ago._

_Stop it! Stop thinking those things!_

_Why? Why should I? It's true and you know it. I know you love me and everything, but I've always just brought you pain. I've brought this whole family pain, but you especially. I shouldn't have. You're my little sister._

_I always thanked the Gods for that. You're precious to me._

_I can't understand why. Just know that despite everything, I do appreciate everything you did for me. I don't know what I would have done without you. I'm sorry I didn't visit you more when you were at Star Fleet Academy. I'm sorry I gave you grief when you agreed to get married. I had no right. You saved my life and I acted like a spoiled brat. I was just upset because you mean the world to me and I didn't have the courage to refuse your offer. I just have one more thing to ask of you._

_I'm not going to help you kill yourself._

_Please, Amelia, I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want the humiliation anymore. I'm suffering. Please don't make me suffer anymore._

_You have no right to ask me to do this. You just hurt me even more with this._

_Then I won't ask you. I'll ask Dad._

It was then that my father entered the room holding a knife. I got up immediately.

"No. You can't seriously be—"

"I'm doing this for both of you because I love you. We don't have the right to make him suffer anymore, Amelia. I'm just doing what is right."

_Please, Amelia, let me die._

I turned away, too scared to look. There were a few more gasps and there was a long, pregnant pause.

I felt his sweet, sweet relief and happiness in his last seconds. Then nothing. My father tapped me on the shoulder.

_It's done._

_I know._

I walked out of the room without once looking at his dead body. I didn't want to know what artery he had severed. I didn't want to know anything anymore.

The only thing I wanted was to commit one particular action. So I went onto the terrace and found Spock.

"I want a divorce."

~--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~

AN: Just so you know, the italics are telepathic communication. I hope you enjoyed this!


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